restless words & ugly metaphors

I was born to be,

be your dead sea

I want to sleep in the dirt with you
I want leaves and twigs in my hair
Sunshine across my back
Dew on my lips and eyelashes
Grass and weeds in your fingers
Sand in our toes
I want to adorn you with dirt,
With the most personal parts of the world
I want to get all covered in earth with you
Even the rocks and thorns too
I just want to get dirty with you

the sea is so vast
it gives me goosebumps to know
if it felt so inclined
it could swallow us whole

all of us, tomorrow
little figurines
on the fishbowl floor

it’s that feeling
of feeling for a ring
that you don’t wear
of reaching for an extra step
a step you were sure of
on a stair that was never there
emptiness and a lurch in your heart
a skip in the song that no one heard
and you’re suddenly wondering if
you’re nostalgic for a life you never lived

hopeless, hopeless, hopeless
but I never listen
that’s what they call romantics
for a reason
I don’t know how
to breathe anything in
but you, completely
but I’ll never be
your oxygen
I need to learn
how to breathe
or find lungs
that need me

We were flying above
Quite surreal, the smell of sea
When I realized I didn’t care
Any longer, for fresh air
I took a dive for solid concrete
I heard you scream but
You didn’t save me
I went crashing, flying down
The world came quickly up
To greet me
Suicide, they called it
But I knew the earth would
Never take me
The impact barely hurt, really
My bones left cracks and hollows
In the heavy wooden door
Maybe I was never really ready
For flying so high and steady
In such empty, peaceful air

when you left
I wrote you the longest note
I’ve ever written
because I was afraid you were mistaken
about what you were leaving behind
and I wanted you to know
that I had cared, cared painfully
that you had smothered my world
and that I was not to be swept under the rug afterwards

And, really, I hope I shattered your world as much as mine
that would make matters far less humiliating
though I suppose that’s not how things go,
otherwise they’d have kept on going

and now I don’t think of you very much
and I wonder if you’ve healed just as much
but I never got a response
so I’ll never know how many pieces there were
and if you left because you ached just as hard
or if you were just tired of my distant looks

I’d like to live
But instead
I exist safely
Because I’ve
Been so silent
I’ve forgotten
How to scream
Like a bad dream
Where you strain
And you scream
But not a sound
Comes out

Feeling so distant and disconnected from everyone in my life all of a sudden, like everyone’s grown apart or are on different wavelengths, and like all of my relationships lately seem sort of shallow and forced. I can’t tell if it’s just me or a mood I’m in or what. What do you do when all of your once meaningful relationships now seem sort of empty and routine? And no one else seems to notice or care?

but maybe 
my mind shifts like
a wind in an erratic storm
and I change temperatures
faster than the seasons even can
so that no one can ever keep up with me

one moment I’m hot as can be
but the next I’m frozen, all the way through my body
and I’m numb, numb as a glacier, blank as a snowstorm
and there isn’t any getting through to me

I can’t even think of how the sunlight’s supposed to feel
I can’t even understand a time that it used to touch me